Daniel Jacob Kauffman

There is a lot to say about Daniel. He had a big personality and lived fully. He

loved fully. He loved his friends and the people he worked with and was

interested in talking to everyone about pretty much everything. He loved to talk

about ideas, and history and politics and computers and people’s wishes for

themselves or difficulties in their lives. He had a strong sense of fairness and

care for those who were struggling, that could be seen even at a young age. I

picture Daniel as a young child of ten visiting a school for children with cerebral

palsy. For Daniel there was no difference. He made friends with children on the

floor and children on stretchers. As he grew older, he had other experiences with

children who had difficulties. He talked about one of them in his Bar Mitzvah

speech. He talked about the friendliness of this child and that it was sad that

other children gave him a hard time because of his learning issues. He also

talked about AIDS in his Bar Mitzvah speech and how horribly people with AIDS

were treated. That was in 1991 when many people were dying from AIDS. Daniel

talked to homeless people and to people that seemed on the sidelines. His

appreciation for people was never because of their wealth or success but rather

because they worked at changing some of the harsh realities of this world. Daniel

was brave, but smart in his interactions with people. He had a strong sense of

himself. At the age of three he asked two children on the street if he could join their

game. They said, “No.” He came home and told me they would have liked him

if they had known him.

Daniel could also be mischievous and as a teenager, probably got into more than

his share of activities that made me worry. He was not good at planning ahead.

He liked to push boundaries. He could get caught up in the excitement of an

idea. Daniel, in his early teens, was spending a lot of time online and met someone

who was hacking into computer systems. Though I don’t think they were friends for

very long, Daniel also became involved, and I think enjoyed the challenge and the

excitement. I received a phone call from the FBI letting me know this was happening

and looking for information about Daniel’s online “friend.” I may have blocked out the

rest of the story since that is all that I can remember.

Daniel was interested in everything. His mind was always active and he had

unusual and creative solutions for many of the life and work problems he faced.

He was very bright but had to deal with some learning disabilities. Handwriting

and spelling were difficult but as his third-grade teacher said, he was the one that

could be counted on to understand the meaning of the stories they read aloud in

class. He loved language. He loved playing with it and adding previously

unrecognized verb tenses or seeing what a word meant without the prefix. He

loved learning new words and making up new words. Daniel loved stories in

every form. As a young child he would listen happily as his parents read long

stories, requesting that they be read over and over. His parents, at least his

mother, thought once was enough. He listened to stories on a record player and

as a grown-up sometimes listened to them on tape. He loved plays and shows

and would often have many characters parts memorized. He said that he never

“read” a book and that may be true, but he loved listening to stories orally.

As an adult he quoted phrases and ideas he remembered from “Charlotte’s Web”

and “From the Mixed-Up Files…” He frequently said to me, “Are You My Mother?”,

also from one of his childhood stories. He understood and remembered everything

that he heard but found the reading process more difficult.

Daniel’s first career was working in record promotion. At the age of 20 he was

offered a job in California working for a small record promotion company. The

company had met Daniel through his work at the radio station at Knox College.

Daniel moved to California to work for that company and then moved to other

record promotion companies where he had greater responsibilities. Daniel’s

personality was perfect for the work. His boss at Ultimatum said that there are

certain things you can teach someone but Daniel’s ability to interact with clients

was not something that could be taught. Daniel had an energy, warmth, sense

of humor, and understanding of peoples’ needs that brought him great success

in the music promotion industry.

Daniel’s next career was working as a computer programmer. He worked on a

program for children with autism. Originally, as a student at Temple University,

he worked as a volunteer, but after several months he was hired and soon

became a senior programming engineer. As his boss said, a lot of Daniel’s

programming was not conventional but had been devised by Daniel. Along with

his programming work he became very involved in politics. He spent hundreds

of hours in both paid positions and volunteer positions for campaigns.

Daniel was not perfect. He could be stubborn and argumentative. On a weekend

trip to the shore with friends, after his graduation from high school, he filmed a

phone conversation with me (creating reality TV) and then afterwards turned to

the camera and talked about our relationship. He acknowledged that he had

difficulty accepting rules from me while growing up as well as accepting rules

from others in authority.

I have written the stories in this book as a way of continuing to be Daniel’s

mother, as a way of honoring him and as a way of keeping his memory alive.

Daniel’s sense of humor and justice were special and if there are times that a

memory of him inspires someone to honor the humanity of the homeless or any

of the many groups that are struggling, then Daniel is here.

I especially miss Daniel’s advice. He was really good at helping me deal with

difficult situations. I miss his hugs and the great love he showed, and I miss that

things in my house used to work.

Losing your only child is a life changing experience that cannot be explained.

What was once a full rich life for me has been reduced in nearly every way. My

world is no longer the same.

Daniel’s experiences came to an end, but we know

where he was heading and what mattered to him. Daniel would be proud to

know how many people cared about him and I’m very thankful for people who

have continued to keep Daniel as a part of their lives.

Daniel was walking Webster in the gardens surrounding his apartment house.

A little girl of two or three was very excited to see Webster. Webster was also

very excited to see her and jumped up enough that the little girl became

frightened and started to cry. The mother picked up her child and told Daniel

not to worry. Daniel sat down on the pavement with Webster to show the little

girl that she didn’t need to be afraid, that Webster was gentle. Daniel stayed

there on the sidewalk petting Webster and talking to the little girl until she

became more comfortable and slowly and cautiously came to join them on the

sidewalk. Soon the little girl was laughing as Webster licked her hand. Daniel

could have said that he was sorry and could have left when the little girl started

to cry but he wanted to be sure that this child would not be afraid of dogs in the

future.

Daniel and I were on a subway train into Philadelphia. There was a homeless

man standing in the aisle with bags of belongings. Nearly everyone else on the

train was seated. When the train came to a sudden stop the man fell over. All the

passengers remained seated either not noticing or pretending not to notice the

man’s difficulty. With no hesitation, Daniel jumped up to help the man get up,

collect his bags and get safely off the train.

Daniel was in line behind an elderly woman at the check-out counter at a

pharmacy. He overheard the woman arguing with the pharmacist about the price

of the drug she wanted. She ended up leaving without buying it. Daniel, not

wanting to embarrass her in the store, followed her out to the street. He stopped

her and said that he had overheard her conversation with the pharmacist and

knew how expensive drugs could be. He said that he had just received a bonus

at work and would have no problem getting her prescription for her. Daniel had

not received a bonus but wanted her to feel comfortable in accepting the money.

Observations of Daniel and his sensitivity to those around him.

Daniel had a way of making many of his acquaintances feel important. An elderly

man in his eighties walked by our house every day. He had been a professor at

St. Joseph’s University. Daniel always showed an interest in him and addressed

him as “Professor”. Now I do too.

A car mechanic that Daniel used he called, “Doc.” I’m sure showing that respect

made the mechanic feel good, especially because he had so many physical

limitations.

Two neighbors had cancer. Daniel did not avoid them but spoke to them

comfortably as he always had. He was also kind to the husbands after their

wives died. One of Daniel’s greatest gifts was his ability to make people feel

special.

All of these short stories are indicative of Daniel’s care for those around him,

even when they were strangers or people he did not know well.

• What we text is often personal and off the cuff. If we were to look back at what we said, particularly if we knew other people were going to read it, we would often choose not to say it or would say it differently. I am including this one conversation that Daniel and I had. I have hundreds of pages of them. Many of them had to do with some political thing we had heard about that day. Though texting is generally private, I am including one here because I think it will be fun for people who knew Daniel to remember how he sounded. I think he would have been okay with me sharing this. This text was written on November 16th, 2018. We had never discussed Ojeda before this occasion and Daniel died a week after it. Daniel may have changed his mind about Ojeda, who no one has most likely heard of, and who ended up having a very short presidential run.
• Dan: Did you watch Chuck Todd’s show? Richard Ojeda (D-WV) announced he is running for president in 2020 this week. He almost won a house seat in a West Virginia area that is usually +23%R. He out raised and under spent the incumbent Republican and came within a few percent of winning. I just read his Wikipedia page and watched an interview. He’s the best rival that I know of so far. Not that he has exactly my issue profile. Trump would have a tough time beating him at his tough guy routine. He has genuine attachment /concern for Trump’s base, working class/military.
• Me: The only bad thing I saw is that he supported Trump. He didn’t support him after he was elected but still he should’ve read more about him before he voted for him. He does look like he has the right kind of background to beat Trump.
• Dan: He has a great story. What can Trump say about someone who has two bronze stars? He is a community organizer, in the military, obviously, and he was an effective state legislator who got medical marijuana approved which is pretty crazy for that state and did a lot of work on the opioid crisis in the state house.
• Me: It says he never voted for a Democrat for president. It does say he’s a Democrat so that’s a little confusing. He liked Bernie Sanders.
• Dan: Like I said, I don’t agree with his issue profile entirely, but I like it enough – and he’s the first Democrat I’ve heard, in 2020 context, that I think would stymie Trump.
• Me: I agree.
• Dan: I donated 10 bucks.
• Me: I will too.
• Dan: Cool. Matt can’t get past him voting for Trump. Him=Ojeda
• Me: Also, unless I misread it, I can’t figure out why he never voted for a Democrat for president.
• Dan: He’s my age so he would’ve voted for Dole in 96, then Bush, then McCain, then the guy from Utah.
• Me: I like Amy Klobuchar and Kamala Harris a lot. I have no idea what Trump would do with them. Kamala Harris is very articulate and strong.
• Dan: I think the rules of the game are still going to be dictated by Trump since he is the one who will go further out there. This guy just seems cooler than Trump and he also has an anger-based style of communication. Ojeda comes off tougher than Trump’s bluster. I think that changes how much Trump will pick on him. They communicate in a similar angry style. When Ojeda was asked about immigration, he gave a great answer to Chuck Todd. Maybe I underestimate Trump, but this guy would be able to play Trump’s game and win.
• Postscript to this Sept. 25, 2021 I just heard Ojeda on Bill Maher’s show. Maybe he still has a chance.

I was just rereading Admiral McRaven’s book, “Make Your Bed – Little Things That can Change Your Life and Maybe the World”. I remembered how much Daniel and I had loved this story for all that it symbolizes. The story was originally told as part of a commencement speech that Daniel and I had listened to. After hearing the speech, Daniel sent me pictures of his made bed for days and asked me if I had made mine. The story could be interpreted as focusing on the small things or the wrong things but we looked at it as starting your day out “right” with an attempt from your waking moments to be intentional. Then, after you struggled with difficult situations throughout the day, you could feel good that you began the day with a commitment to purpose. When Daniel was invested in something he gave all that was possible, whether it was helping to install phones at the Academy of Natural Sciences when he was 13, or working at Structure and the Disney store and staying until the middle of the night to be sure the stock was ready for the next day when he was in high school, or building a radio audience for the bands he represented or working as a teacher’s assistant at Montgomery County College for computer classes and not always getting his work done so that he could be available to the students, or when planning data work for political campaigns or when helping to build a program for children with autism at Guiding Technologies. Attention to detail did not come naturally to Daniel but when it mattered, Daniel was focused, determined and intentional, with energy and commitment to change and fairness. He was also so much fun!

Love Language #4 Love is shown by concrete actions, by saying, “I’ll do that for you.” or better yet, just doing it.
  This should be the easiest one to write. It is perhaps the most meaningful to me. I have a picture of Daniel, twenty-one  months old,  standing on a chair by the sink, washing dishes. I don’t remember how that occurred but I’m sure I didn’t ask him to do it.  I had to wait many years to see that inspired help again.  While Daniel as a teenager and young adult was often out helping friends, I don’t remember a lot of assistance happening at home. A year or so before he died, he recalled the incident of our last family moving day.  He was 16 at the time. We had a large house and were moving into a smaller one. Though we had movers there was still a lot to be done. Early in the day, Daniel left. He had a girl friend he wanted to spend time with. Daniel, many years later at the age of 40, was very apologetic. In the last few years of his life there had been an enormous transformation in his devotion to helping with endless tasks.  I was enormously appreciative, though some of the tasks were unnecessary or done with a little bit too much enthusiasm.  When I had an autoimmune disease that made it difficult to move, Daniel said  to leave the bathroom and the hard jobs for him.  In his enthusiasm for getting the  tub clean, the abrasiveness that kept people from slipping had been scrubbed off.  Shortly after, I bought a plastic mat for the tub. The  mat, which may seem to be only for a utilitarian purpose, is a continual  reminder of Daniel’s love.    For many years I tutored children in our house.  On a snowy day, before I left for school, Daniel would ask if I was tutoring that afternoon so that he would know whether to have  the walks shoveled.   When I stopped tutoring, I decided to use that room as an  art room instead.  My art materials had been stored in the basement and were infrequently used. I thought I would be more likely to engage with them if the space was more comfortable. Daniel helped me bring all the materials up from the basement and installed a television in the room.  Then, I don’t remember why, I thought maybe the art room would be better in the basement, where it had been, and the television could go into the other bedroom. Daniel again moved everything and hooked up the tv. It must have happened once more because all of the art supplies are back in my old tutoring room.  After 20 years living in our “new” house,” our kitchen cabinets had become very messy looking.  I had looked at lots of kitchen cabinets over many months but hadn’t seen any that said “buy”. In previous years  I had done a lot of furniture painting  and thought that I would rather paint the cabinets than replace them.  Daniel meticulously took off each door and labeled the hardware and then as meticulously replaced the doors after they were painted.  I would get impatient and tell him we don’t need to be that careful. He knew that while I was frustrated at the moment, I would feel worse later on if the doors were crooked.  As I look around my house and think that someday I will need to leave it,  I think  how much Daniel did to be helpful. The good news is I know that I appreciated it at the time and frequently thanked him, often saying, “You are my magical son of helpfulness.”  I don’t think I connected that help at the time with feeling loved, which is odd, because now it feels so obvious.

November 1, 2004

Friend, Radio Folk, Countrymen

-For the past 4 weeks I have been cavorting around Broward County Florida collecting: hanging chads, ineligible voters, dudes that look like Jeb (for my forthcoming website menwholooklikejebbush.com), and rigged electronic voting machines. Now with my unruly satchel of trouble stowed in my checked luggage, I am valiantly headed to cleanse these characters in the brownish and liberal waters of Schuylkill River back at UNCLE’s Philadelphia HQ. Wish me luck citizens. And should you need to reach me by any other means than Pony Express, the following should prove helpful:UNCLE Penn. Contact info:610 667 9438 Dan
484 431 4196 Cell610 667 9439 Pat215 828 7241 Cellwww.unclepromo.com

Daniel had looked for a dog for a number of years.  He had checked out numerous  rescue sites. Finding Webster came out of the blue. The morning of January 20, 2017, he heard there was a rescue event taking place that afternoon. Daniel was totally unprepared to get a dog. He hadn’t bought the basics let alone the house full of things he would eventually have for Webster. On the spur of the moment he decided to go to the Ardmore Animal Hospital where the event was being held and there he saw Webster with a cute little handkerchief tied around his neck. He texted me, “I think I found my dog.”

Daniel had a huge devotion and passion for those he loved whether it was a friend, a girlfriend or a four-footed friend. He loved having someone to take care of and he loved that Webster was so excited when he came home. Webster’s dog walker, Corrine, and I both thought that Webster should learn not to jump on people when they came to visit, but Daniel loved the warm welcome.  He frequently  described Webster as adorable, patient and hopeful.  The adorable part was always there once I got to know Webster. Daniel said Webster was patient because he would sit by the door with his leash on while Daniel made endless trips back to his bedroom to get forgotten items.  Daniel thought Webster was hopeful because every time Daniel got up from the sofa or chair Webster would run into the kitchen where his treat drawer was. If Daniel went to get something out of his jacket pocket Webster was sure they were going on a walk and went to the door.

 Every day I received  pictures or a video of Webster. One picture of Webster had been turned into a cartoon character.  The caption said, “Web Star” a comic book about a dog who solves crimes, eats treats and does have a drinking problem. I asked him if Webster had any other badges. He said he had earned a hydrant badge in addition to a badge for 5,000 daily face licks, a badge for having the most bedding in a single bed as organized by him and a badge for the most dreams about Greenies, only the large size.  Pretty much all pictures came with captions. Daniel’s sense of humor was constant. 

Daniel had a video camera set up so he could watch Webster on his phone when he was out.  Sometimes it was for the joy of looking at him, sometimes it was as proud father to share the joy of Webster with work friends and other people and sometimes it was just to be sure that Webster was okay.  Daniel had a huge collection of toys for Webster.  Webster had no interest in toys but Daniel kept trying to find one that would interest him. The car had a hammock and a seat belt.  In addition, Daniel had various holistic remedies to deal with Webster’s whining which usually occurred in the car. At Daniel’s apartment Webster had a cushion which Daniel called Webster’s safe space.  It was a place where he wouldn’t be bothered.  It was also where he took his Greenie, his favorite treat.  Daniel would give him the Greenie and say, “Take it to your house.” Knowing that Webster has been on the street, I thought the establishment of the safe space was particularly touching and typical of Daniel’s sensitivity to the feelings of others.  

  Webster had been terrified during the week or two that he had an ear and eye infection.  Daniel would hold Webster down while I tried to apply the medicine into Webster’s ear.  Webster would whimper and try to escape.  During those weeks he would often run away when he saw Daniel and me sitting on the floor.   Daniel, who was also very upset by this, would explain to Webster that we didn’t want to hurt him, that we were just doing it to make him feel better.  Daniel decided after that experience that he would take Webster to the vet each day to have them clean Webster’s ear if he developed another ear infection.   He didn’t want Webster to associate him with pain.

Daniel and I went on a two week vacation in October of 2018.  Webster had four trial visits with his dog walker, Corrine, before the trip plans were completed.  Daniel’s video camera was taken to Corrine’s so that we could watch Webster to be sure Webster would be comfortable and then we were free to finish planning our trip. In order to leave Webster for the two weeks, Daniel  carried numerous supplies to Corrine’s apartment along with pages of instructions to follow each day.  Corrine was charged with sending us pictures along with daily updates while we were gone.

 
There were a number of things that Webster did that we looked forward to.  He would have “crazy periods” when he would run around Daniel’s apartment getting off and on the different pieces of furniture and then crouching down before starting over again.  The day before Daniel died he texted me that Webster had done the funniest thing.  He said, “I’ll tell you about it tomorrow.”  I’ve wondered many times what that was but have thought that it may be the way he crouches down and then leaps forward on all four paws. The odd thing is that Webster didn’t bark at all the first six months Daniel had him.  Daniel was both shocked and proud when he first heard Webster’s bark.  Daniel believed that one day people would be able to understand what dogs were saying.

I was the proud grandmother of Webster.  Daniel’s apartment complex had two dog parks.  Webster had a number of dog friends.  I would ask Daniel about Webster’s play dates.  One day I took Webster out for a walk around the complex.  There are hundreds of dogs in the three buildings that share the area.  Several times when I ran into someone with a dog, I asked the owner if their dog was a friend of Webster’s. I told Daniel about it.  He said, “That’s kind of embarrassing”.  I said, “Are you saying don’t do it?”    Daniel said, “Yeah.  I think I’m saying don’t do it.  But, also, I think it’s a mom thing to do so you can.”

Daniel also used Webster as a bridge between us when he was frustrated with me.  He would send me an adorable picture of Webster saying that while he was angry with me, Webster wasn’t. He would also text and say such things as, “Thank you, Webster and I had a really fun day with you.”

Either Daniel was really lucky to end up with such an amazing dog, or his intuitiveness allowed him to recognize that Webster was “nothing but love and fur”. I know that I’m very fortunate to have Webster and take very seriously the responsibility for being the good grandmother that Daniel would have expected. 

     The third love language is for those who feel or express love through concrete symbols such as gifts.  Daniel in the last few years of his life was continually bringing me gifts.  This section could be endless and probably quite boring so I will limit the gifts discussed to just a few. Daniel constantly had ideas for things to get me.  I told him I didn’t need anything.  His response was, “I like buying you things.”   Some of these presents I never learned to use and some totally changed my life.  Daniel loved electronics. Three years ago he decided I needed an iPhone instead of a flip phone.  I was totally against it.  I told him that  my flip phone was perfectly fine.  Once I got the iPhone it became a constant companion and something I can’t imagine being without. The same is true of the printer and the ability to scan documents.  The Amazon Fire stick I never learned to use though Daniel patiently explained  and demonstrated its use several times and even helped me add movies to my “Favorites”.  The juicer was never used. The wire that allows me to turn on the lamp without picking the plug up from the floor has been invaluable.  I have a box filled with the results of Daniel’s on-line search for things to help me when I was suffering from a joint disease.  The month before he died he wanted to get Nutcracker tickets since that had been such an important tradition in my childhood.    

  Daniel had high standards for unusual things.  He wanted to get a pillow that would help me with neck pain.  He ordered one that was filled with little bits of something that he had seriously researched on line.  The little bits could be taken out to make for a perfect pillow.  I was exhausted a long time before Daniel was, trying to get the pillow to be as comfortable as possible.  The truth is,  I thought it was comfortable no matter how much stuffing was in it.  He also bought a bamboo pillowcase that had been the subject of hours of research. Just before he died, he arranged with his organizer to spend time  helping me to make better use of my art space.  All of these things showed me at the time, and continue to remind me now, how much I was loved. 

       There are still two more love languages to look at in future entries but as we approach the one year anniversary of Daniel’s death, it would be great to think of some of Daniel’s most noteworthy traits: his inclusiveness, his concern for those who are struggling, his kindness and his generosity, and find a way to honor him. There are endless good deeds that need to be done in our world but several that come to mind are sharing food or money with a homeless person, making a donation to any cause that fights the hatred and bigotry we are now seeing, trying to become more environmentally conscious in whatever way works for you, or including someone in your conversation who seems to be feeling left out. This is a world much in need of good deeds.     

I have said in past blogs that I have tried to avoid being “the grieving mother” in these posts but as it nears this significant anniversary of  Daniel’s death I want to say that the love I had for Daniel is more than could possibly be imagined.  He was everything to me from the moment he was born.  Every day I light the candle beneath his pictures and hope that I have done something that day to honor his life.  

Wanted to take ballet lessons when he was young.

Loved the opera, “The Barber of Seville”.

Lived next to a train track with mile long trains that passed by frequently, in a house with no heat in Galesburg, Illinois. This was while trying to create his first and only CD.

Had a Van Gogh print, “Cafe Terrace at Night” hanging over his bed in his King of Prussia apartment. Loved looking at it from different angles.

Loved musical theater, especially “Rent” and “Fun Home”, but also knew the words to the musicals from my childhood, especially “Peter Pan” with Mary Martin.

Was the star of the Friends’ Central High School production of “The Caucasian Chalk Circle” when he was in 1st grade. We were told he was picked because he had an angelic look.

Lived in California, Illinois, and Florida in addition to Pennsylvania.

Named a star after his high school girlfriend for her birthday.

Was a photographer for the FCS middle school newspaper and had a film developing lab in his home bathroom.

Was very involved with the radio station in college which is how he ended up in the music industry.

Became a dive master when he lived in Florida.

Was on a traveling soccer team when he was young and wrestled in middle school.

Aaron Sorkin was his favorite director. His favorite scene may have been “America is not the greatest country anymore” from “The Newsroom.”

“West Wing” was his favorite show.

N.P.R. was his favorite radio station.

Loved learning about history, culture and politics.

Wrote poetry that often had to do with his relationships.

Was fascinated by words and language and liked playing around with how they were used.

Helped to set up the phone system at the Academy of Natural Sciences when he was around 13 years old. Then he rewired the phones in our house so I couldn’t use one after he was punished and lost the use of his phone.

Went to his first classical music concert when he had just turned two. It was a cellist at Curtis who was performing his graduate recital. At intermission he said, “I don’t think I can be quiet any longer”.

Was jealous that I had my picture taken with John Fetterman.

Loved the Philadelphia skyline. Commented on how beautiful it was each time he drove home from the airport.

Wanted to make a positive difference in the world

His interest in planets and planes and everything that you see when looking up

began with the visit of Pope John Paul ll on Oct. 3rd, 1979. We lived

in the Art Museum area and the Pope was going to be speaking at Logan Circle in the center of Philadelphia.. There

were helicopters everywhere that attracted Daniel’s interest. He was 1 1/2 years old and

still in the stroller. For another year, as we walked all over the city from the river to the

Franklin Institute to the public library to the places where there were large machines excavating

and dumping dirt, the sky and tall machines and buildings were a topic of interest.

Please message me if you have anything to add to this list.

 Lucio Buffalmano summarized love language #2, as people who feel loved by another person because that person spends time with them, giving them their full attention. This may seem impossible these days.  People seem to always be checking their phones or iPads or to be doing several things at a time.  I don’t know whether a chapter needs to be added to Chapman’s book to account for the age of electronics.

Daniel and I saw each other a lot, particularly when he lived with me and worked from home. When we were talking he was often checking his phone.  I frequently asked if he had heard what I had said and sometimes he had and sometimes he hadn’t.  He did have a time each night when he came into my room to talk.  He called it, “his bothering time ” because  I was often in the middle of reading or exhausted from the day and was often not interested in a long conversation.

After Daniel moved into his own apartment two years ago, we had a scheduled time to be together. Every Saturday, I took care of Webster while Daniel went to his trainer and then we spent the rest of the day at my house. Some of that time we spent walking Webster or playing with him.  There were also things that needed fixing or things that I needed help with. In addition to our Saturday time together, we messaged or spoke on the phone every day and sometimes visited during the week at his apartment.  Daniel enjoyed our phone calls.  I preferred messaging, given his fast talking and my poor hearing. 

While I often felt that I didn’t have his total attention when I talked, I never doubted his interest in how I felt about things that mattered.  He half listened to my talking about genealogy or  things I had done.   He was, however, totally focused and thoughtful in giving advice when I was struggling with how to handle something. Several years ago,  I started volunteering for a public school program in W. Philadelphia.  The program had two functions: to have volunteers build and maintain libraries and to have volunteers act as teachers to help students with academic work. While the program was mostly focused on the library, there were a number of us working in the classrooms who were really committed to the children and loved our work.  These programs had been going on for a number of years.  For some reason, the manager of the program along with the board decided to do away with the teaching part of the program.  Those of us who did that work were devastated.  Daniel and I talked about what I could say to the board. (During this discussion he was not distracted by his phone.)  Daniel had a wonderful understanding of how to talk to people, both when there were problems and when there were not, and he was able to have everyone come out feeling good about a decision that was made. I think he went into the music industry already being very good at this, but probably became better in the years that he worked with bands, agents, and record promotion companies. He had clearly thought out strategies which he at times verbalized, when I was struggling to come up with a solution to a problem. These strategies required intelligence, persuasiveness, enthusiasm and sensitivity to people’s needs.

 Daniel ended up writing most of the letter that I sent to the head of the Philadelphia program and to the Board.  Some days thereafter, I received an email from the director saying she had decided to keep the program, that she was not aware how much of a difference it had made to the classroom teachers, the volunteers and to the children.  She said she felt proud to have been part of developing such an appreciated program.  She used quotes in her letter, quotes that came from what Daniel had written. She specifically wrote to me thanking me for my letter and and referred to specific quotes that had been instrumental in changing her mind (All of those parts had been written by Daniel). So, while Daniel was not always 100% attentive in our conversations,  he was when I needed him to be.

 I don’t know that this idea is  talked about in The Five Languages of Love  but I would add that there are some situations that are really difficult to face alone.  Having your partner, or in my case, my son,, supporting you through the difficulties definitely makes you feel loved. Having Daniel in my life was a huge sense of security for me, which I think was a piece of feeling loved.  I knew that when I really needed him, he would be there, though he would most certainly be late.