Author: elidakauffman

What we text is often personal and off the cuff.  If we were to look back at what we said, particularly if we knew other people were going to see it, we would often choose not to say it or would say it differently.  I am including this one conversation that Daniel and I had.  I have hundreds of pages of them.  Many of them had to do with some political thing we had heard about that day.  Though texting is generally private, I am including one on the blog because I think it will be fun for people who knew Daniel to remember how he sounded. I think he would have been okay with me sharing this. This text was on  November 16th, 2018. We didn’t ever discuss Ojeda again.  Daniel may have changed his mind about Ojeda, who no one has most likely heard of, and who ended up having a very short presidential run.

Dan:  Did you watch Chuck Todd’s show? Richard Ojeda (D-WV) announced he is running for president in 2020 this week.  He almost won a house seat in a West Virginia area that is usually +23%R. He out raised and under spent the incumbent republican and came within a few percent of winning. I just read his Wikipedia page and watched an interview. He’s the best rival that I know of so far.  Not that he has exactly my issue profile.  Trump  would have a tough time beating him at his tough guy routine. He has genuine attachment/concern for Trump’s base- working class/military.

Me:  The only bad thing I saw is that he supported Trump. He didn’t support him after he was elected but still he should’ve read more about him before he voted for him. Still he looks like he has the right kind of background to beat Trump. 

Dan:  He has a great story.  What can Trump say about someone who has two bronze stars? He is a community organizer, in the military obviously and he was an effective state legislator who got medical marijuana approved which is pretty crazy for that state and did a lot of work on the opioid crisis in the state house.

Me:  It says he never voted for a democrat for president.  It does say he’s a democrat so that’s a little confusing.  He liked Bernie Sanders.

Dan: Like I said, I don’t agree with his issue profile entirely, but I like it enough – and he’s the first democrat I’ve heard, in 2020 context, that I think would stymie Trump.

Me: I agree.

Dan: I donated 10 bucks.

Me:  I will too.

Dan: Cool. Matt can’t get past him voting for Trump. Him=Ojeda

Me: Also, unless I misread it, I can’t figure out why he never voted for a Democrat for president.

Dan: He’s my age so he would’ve voted for Dole in 96, Then Bush, Then McCain, then the guy from Utah.

Me:  I like Amy Klobuchar and Kamala Harris a lot.  I have no idea what Trump would do with them.  Kamala Harris is very articulate and strong.

Dan: I think the rules of the game are still going to be dictated by Trump since he is the one who will go further out there. This guy just seems cooler than Trump and he also has an anger based style of communication.  Ojeda comes off tougher than Trump’s bluster.  I think that changes how much Trump will pick on him..  They communicate in a similar angry style.  When Ojeda was asked about immigration, he gave a great answer to Chuck Todd.  Maybe I underestimate Trump but this guy would be able to play Trump’s game and win.

This is one of the most difficult blogs I’ve attempted to write and consequently I’ve been putting it off. It is difficult for a number of reasons. One reason is that this is the most personal of all the blogs I’ve attempted to write. Another reason is that my memory is not great and this blog requires many examples. There was also the question of what part of Daniel’s life to focus on.  As would be expected, Daniel’s way of demonstrating love changed as he journeyed from babyhood to childhood to teenager to young adult and to older adult. While I will mention the younger Daniel I will focus on the older Daniel.  Perhaps the most significant reason that this blog is difficult to write, is that Daniel was so open and loving all of his life which makes me feel really lucky to have been one of the recipients of that love, but also has me recognizing the times the I failed him when I was impatient or annoyed.  Luckily this blog is not about me.

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

The first language of love is “Words of Affirmation”. When Daniel was just beginning to learn to write, probably around the age of three, he used his stationary to write me notes that I found around the house. “Mom, I love you.” written in red marker.

In the last few years,  Daniel ended nearly every phone call with, “I love you.”  Just before he died, I messaged him to ask what he wanted for Chanukkah.  He replied, “You don’t have to get me anything, you already give me everything.” I received texts after we got together, saying, “Thanks for a really fun day” or, “Thanks for coming over.”  Daniel was most complimentary about my teaching and about the political volunteering I did.  Daniel loved watching me talk to prospective voters and verbalized how good I was at it.  When he heard about other more prominent volunteering jobs or political offices he said I should do it, that I would be great at it. He constantly encouraged me to feel confident in areas where I had no confidence.

While I thought Daniel would be embarrassed to have me, his mother, at events with his younger friends, he invited me to both social events and to work events. He did sometimes make fun of my crazy hair and clothes. The most frequent comment, when I forced him to say something about a new outfit was, “Mom, what were you thinking?”. I always knew how much Daniel loved me and that he was proud of me. I try to keep that feeling with me. His love was huge and powerful. I am not writing much about Daniel’s relationship with other people because I have limited knowledge of that but I can still hear so many of Daniel’s compliments to his friends and relatives. To his cousin Paul, Daniel said that no matter what we discussed Paul was an expert on it. He told friends how amazing their kids were. Daniel was not cautious or reserved in the respect he showed for the talents and hard work of others. He never felt diminished by showing appreciation and love for others.

My dining room wall is covered with pictures of Daniel. In all the pictures with other people, the defining theme is Daniel’s love for those around him. It is unsettling to feel that love and to miss it so much.

I have not read Dave Chapman’s book, “The Five Love Languages” but I heard Dave Chapman interviewed on NPR. I found the concept, that different people recognize and express love in different ways fascinating and not something that I had really thought about before. I will be talking about Daniel’s ability to express love, but first, I want to give a summary of the ideas contained in the book for people who are unaware, as I was. of Dave Chapman’s work.

I have taken parts of a summary written by Lucio Buffalmano . I think they make pretty clear the concept of “The Five Love Languages.”

“The 5 Love Languages states that people express and feel loved in 5 different ways. If two people from two different love languages are together they can ruin their relationship by not making their partner feel loved.

Words of Affirmation #1

To fix the issue you should learn how your partner communicates and receives love and adjust accordingly.

Love Language #1: WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

Words of affirmation communicate with words how much you love your partner.
If words of affirmations is your partner’s primary love language, it will mean the world to them when you say how much you love them.Tell them “I love you”

• Make compliments

Love Language #2: QUALITY TIME

People who have quality time as their main love language will value spending time with their partners and getting their full attention.Here’s how to express love in the quality time language:

• Going for a walk just the two of you
• Eating together while having personal conversations
• Doing new experiences together

Love Language #3: RECEIVING GIFTS

If your love language is gifts, you appreciate gifts and concrete symbols of love.
Indeed, that’s what gifts stand for: a symbol of appreciation, a sign you are thinking of them and, of course, a symbol love. No gifts, means no love.

If you never buy gifts and your partner’s love language is gifts, you are hurting them. Especially hurtful is missing gifts for celebrations, birthday and anniversaries.

Love Language #4: ACTS OF SERVICE

People whose love language are acts of service appreciate concrete help as a sign of love.
“Let me do that for you” is the keyword here. You use your own time and resources to take a load off their shoulders.

Love Language #5: PHYSICAL TOUCH

My next blog will talk about how lucky I was that Daniel expressed his love in so many ways. This was not something I realized when he was alive but would have loved to talk to him about.

 Daniel’s school experiences gave him mixed and confusing messages about his academic abilities. He was a ray of sunshine in every pre-school and kindergarten class.  He lived life with enthusiasm, joy, creativity and humor.  He was the child who understood the point of a book or discussion. He was curious about everything.  Daniel cared about doing well and when his four year old friend, Ilana, learned to tie her shoes, Daniel worked on it consistently until he was able to tie his as well.  At the age of three, he was already sounding out words.  The first time Daniel mentioned any concern about his academic abilities was when he overheard his kindergarten teacher telling the first grade teacher that all of the kids in her class were reading except for two.  Daniel came home worried and wanted me to ask his teacher if he was one of the two.

 
As Daniel changed schools to Friends’ Central, his first grade  teacher was concerned that such a bright and verbal student was not excelling at reading.  In addition, he struggled with handwriting, spelling and organization.  This was a time before learning disabilities were as widely recognized as they are now.  The teachers responses to Daniel in elementary school fluctuated between those who adored having him in class because he could be counted on to elevate the discussion, and those who were annoyed and thought Daniel’s handwriting and spelling could be better if he tried.  Though Daniel had a hard time figuring this out, he did have many great experiences as a young child.  He was the one first grader picked to be in the high school play.  We were told it was because of his angelic face.  He was on a traveling soccer team for two years.  He was not one of the best players, but he was one of the most enthusiastic.  

Testing showed what we had all seen: that Daniel excelled in all verbal skills and had more difficulty with visual, perceptual skills.   It is  hard  for a child to understand that they are still really smart even though focusing on the written word, spelling and handwriting are more difficult for them than for the other children they see around them.  It was particularly hard for Daniel because he was very self aware and and wanted to do really well. Even with hard work, things sometimes got in his way.  Daniel had a test on explorers.  He memorized their countries of origin, the areas  they had explored and what they had discovered.  He could rattle off all the information.  When Daniel came home he was disappointed.  It turned out that there was also a map of the thirteen colonies that he was supposed to have learned.  Studying that was not in his homework notes.  These experiences were hard on his self-esteem and he had more difficulty as he grew older  accepting that he could work on something and not receive the good grades he had hoped for. His motivation to work often wavered when he did not have the success he expected. Most of his papers had good grades for content but he was  marked down for spelling, punctuation and for leaving out small words that would have been apparent to most children. 

Daniel wrote about his academic struggles, and how computers helped him in a paper he wrote for a high school English class. I have quoted some parts from that very detailed paper.  “Early in elementary school my parents were concerned about my lack or organization and illegible handwriting.  Although I was young, I understood that I had learning differences from the other children.  My mother was very supportive and understanding of my problems.  On many occasions she had to go out of her way, driving me back to school late at night to find a lost book or pick up forgotten homework.  I was always considered to be “goofing off” because I could not finish the most basic tasks.  Consequently, I was a very confused child, always being told that I was very bright, while my scholastic achievement was below that of the other students in my class…

 In fifth grade we got our first computer.  In eighth grade I was given a lap-top that I took to school with me.  The lap-top enabled me to take legible notes and have a system of  organization for my school and homework. It was also in eighth grade that I was first introduced to computer programming….During the summer after eight grade, my neighbor, then a senior in high school was doing an internship at the Franklin Institute, the second largest museum in Philadelphia.  He was designing an informational program and asked me to assist him.  I was awe-struck by the power of computers and computer programming. I began to teach myself more extensive computer programming,  attempting to become fluent in three languages, Pascal, C, and Assembly.  Since then I have written a game with a graphic artist from Epic Megagames and have done extensive programming for The Academy of Natural Sciences and Lower Merion High School as well as many smaller projects.”  

Daniel credits that work with computers with helping him to become a more successful student and better able to deal with some of his learning issues. He also was able to be helpful to many professors at both of his colleges and to numerous friends, neighbors and to me, his mother.  Most jobs that Daniel had in his 20’s  were unrelated to his computer skills but the companies he worked for or ran still relied on his computer expertise. Equally important was the  job he had as a computer programer at Guiding Technologies.  The work was really important to him and he had wonderful people to work with and for.   As for the credit he gives me, that was mostly for the sake of his paper.  You would more frequently have heard Daniel complaining and angry that I was too strict.

 
Computers were a life-long interest to Daniel. They benefitted his work and his ability to volunteer in numerous ways. They were helpful to him in dealing with his learning difficulties.  I’m appreciative that he connected with them at such an early age and was able to use his skills to enrich his life and the lives of others.

Mother’s Day is probably an appropriate day to look back at some of what I learned from Daniel.  Some of what I learned was from what he said to me, some was from his existence.  

The most overwhelming thing I learned was how much you could love another human being.  I remember being at the Mummer’s Parade when Daniel was less than two.  We were sitting on the sidewalk.  I saw a man about to step on Daniel and somehow I lifted the man so that he did not touch him.  I wondered afterward about the strength I had gathered from some where to do that.

 I learned from Daniel to volunteer to help with a happy heart.  As a young person, my hand was always up when anyone needed anything and later I often regretted having volunteered.  Daniel helped everyone, neighbors, friends, people at work and others.  He was never sorry about the time it took.  One neighbor had a business that constantly needed computer support and his wife sometimes needed help at home with carrying things or moving things.  Daniel never resented when people asked for help.  When I occasionally complained  about something I had volunteered to do, Daniel said to do it with a “happy heart” saying that I should  be  glad that I could help someone.  He also always said he would help me do whatever it was that I had volunteered to do.  In addition to volunteering to help friends and neighbors, Daniel put in hundreds of hours  volunteering for campaigns in addition to the hours he was paid for.

 
While I had always  believed that a person’s worth had nothing to do with what he owned, I occasionally got caught up in the  materialistic world we live in and would mention the wealth of someone I had met.  Daniel was totally disinterested and made it very clear.   The people Daniel respected most were those who were doing good work to help those  who were struggling in our society.  They were people he worked with, not the rich and famous.

Generally, I have thought of myself as a fairly positive person.  The two years before Daniel died I  had several illnesses that made it hard to move.  Daniel was supportive in every possible way.  He looked on line and found numerous electronic gadgets that were meant to deal with the pain.  He sat with me and told me funny stories to distract me when nothing else helped the pain.  He came in, in the middle of the night and sat with me when I screamed because I had inadvertently moved causing intense pain. I complained every day that something hurt.  Daniel was totally supportive but he also told me that I had a good life.  I never  heard him complain about any of the big challenges in his life and say anything that indicated that life was unfair.  He thought we both should be happy with what we had. 

Another thing I learned from Daniel was that gossip diminished the person who is being gossiped about as well as the person who is gossiping.  I had a habit of talking about the physical features of some of the people in the news media.  I found my observations amusing.  Daniel was not interested and was probably a little disappointed that I was critical in that way.  I also occasionally made comments about people I knew.  Again, Daniel said he did not want to hear it. 

There are many more things I learned from being around Daniel but I think I’ll end this entry with saying that I learned from Daniel, that big dogs, particularly pit-bulls, are great.

I am generally trying to keep these entries unsentimental.  Because it is Mother’s Day, I’m making an exception.

 Daniel, thank you for the privilege of being your mother for 40 years.                                  You were my greatest gift. As long as I live, I will be thankful that you were in my life. That you were my life.           

Daniel’s Bar Mitzvah was in March of 1991.   It was in the 10 years, or so, before his Bar Mitzvah, that HIV became an epidemic. In Daniel’s Bar Mitzvah speech, he talked about how people with leprosy were treated, and compared that  to how people with the modern day disease  HIV are treated. Daniel began his Bar Mitzvah speech by saying, “The Torah says that a leper must be cast out of the camp until he or she is rid of the disease.  Then, after the leper’s body showed no more sign of the disease, he would bring an offering so as to repent for his sins. This shows that in the Torah’s eyes all people with leprosy have sinned at one point in their lives. 

Today, people with the modern disease A.I.D.S are treated much like those with leprosy were in the time of the Bible.  They both are outcasts from society and they are both treated as lesser beings.  People with A.I.D.S are sometimes thought to have committed a sin, as were the people who had leprosy.”  Later on, in his speech,  Daniel continues the comparison of the two diseases,  He says, “Some people assumed that because they had the disease, they had done something to deserve it. But no matter what they did, they didn’t deserve a slow and painful death.”  

In the next part of his speech Daniel broadened his concern.  “In today’s world people do shun anyone who looks or acts different from themselves, and I would like to change that.  I would like to make people aware that even though a man or woman may speak with an accent or walk with a limp, he or she is still a person and has as much right to live a normal life as you or I.” 

Daniel then told the story of a child that he met when he spent several days at the elementary school where I was teaching.As Daniel described the child in his speech, he said,  the child was an outcast because he was “mentally slow’ and not able to keep up with the other children.  Daniel described him as “one of the friendliest people I know.”

A story Daniel didn’t tell in his Bar Mitzvah speech, was about the Saturdays he visited a school for children with cerebral palsy.  Daniel was probably 9 or 10.   Some of the children were on stretchers, some on the floor and some in wheelchairs.  From the moment Daniel walked into the room he was engaged with the  children in the special way that Daniel had, with lots of kindness, enthusiasm and laughter.  Most of the  children needed help eating and it was a messy process.  I was particularly thrilled with this experience for both of us.  I loved watching Daniel with the children. He was so natural and for me it was a real learning experience.  I had always been squeamish. Years before Daniel was born, I had  worked for Get-Set as a preschool teacher.  The classroom next to mine had a class of children with down syndrome.  I had great difficulty with the runny noses and drooling. Watching Daniel inspired me and pushed me to be less squeamish and to treat the children as I would any other child.

When Daniel was a senior in high school, we were together at a party.  There was a young man with down syndrome who was sitting by himself.  Daniel went over to him and asked him if he’d like to play badminton. The young man gladly got up and joined Daniel in an enthusiastic game.    I try to keep that in mind when I see people who are alone and may be feeling  uncomfortable.

Finally Daniel was often generous with people on the street.  I had a preconceived idea that giving them money was just helping them to buy drugs.  Daniel often gave money and sometimes food.  Daniel didn’t like it when I prejudged people and I have tried to learn from that.

I bring up the Bar Mitzvah speech to show that even at an early age, Daniel was concerned about how people were misjudged.  Recently, there were endless examples of Trump’s behavior that enraged Daniel, one of the most memorable was Daniel’s fury  at how Trump imitated the reporter who had a movement disease.

I try in the entries I write, to capture  an ongoing quality of Daniel’s. I also try to show ways in which I have learned from him. This entry does both.

                                                 
 Daniel’s story would not be complete without remembering the girls who played significant roles in his life.  They were often his best friends, particularly in his younger years.  Daniel joked recently that he had such an interest in Broadway shows, and talking about ideas and feelings that he could have been a girl.  In any case, he connected easily and frequently with girls through his journey. 

Daniel’s first friend was Sara. Sara was seven months younger and they were together from the time she was born.  They were like siblings, taking care of each other.  Sara had beautiful dark eyes and a big laugh. They built forts and took swimming lessons together.  

Daniel went to nursery school for a short time in Philadelphia.  He met a little girl with long blonde hair named Annie and talked about her constantly.  He couldn’t wait to get to school to see her.  Annie usually got to school before Daniel and was already involved in an activity and often didn’t  notice when  Daniel arrived. Daniel tried to get her attention but rarely succeeded.  I don’t know if he felt badly but I did.

 
At that time we were living in the Art Museum  neighborhood. The houses were all row houses so you could hear what was going on with your neighbors. Daniel and the little girls next door, who were several years older than Daniel, loved to play together.  The girls particularly loved to play house in their back yard.  Upon occasion, I would hear Daniel crying.  He complained to me that they wanted him to sit and wait for dinner to be served.  Daniel wanted to help make it.

At the age of three, Daniel started at “The School in Rose Valley”. It was a two hour bus, train and van ride to get to school.  Taking the same trip was Suzanne.  She was in middle school.  They loved each other. No train ride was boring; they had so much to talk about.  

Daniel’s best friends in the nursery school were Chrissy and Ilana and occasionally Dawn.  Chrissy was sweet, and was pretty much always willing to go along with Daniel’s planned adventures.  Ilana was more like Daniel.  They were both very verbal and strong willed and could get into long arguments about their activities.  They were all inseparable: creating plays, doing gymnastics, going on adventures and exploring the acres of nature.  There was no love affair but the relationships were intense for three years.

Daniel started at Friend’s Central in first grade and often went to extended day care when I was working.  There he met Zoe when  they were in a play together in which they were both statues.  I don’t know how long they knew each other before I was told by Daniel, as well as a number of his friends, that Daniel and Zoe had gotten married with rings and a real ceremony.  The marriage continued throughout first grade.

Over the next eight or so years at Friend’s Central I heard about a number of girls that Daniel was in love with.  One very early morning, when Daniel was around the age of seven or eight, he woke me up to tell me that he thought he was in love.  That may have been Lara.  Then he was in love with Amy.  After much thought about what to get  her, Daniel asked me to take him to the mall and he bought her a thin real gold bracelet.  She wisely said she couldn’t accept it.  At a later time Daniel was in love with Hillary.  There were continuous phone calls between them when we were on vacation.  After Hillary came Evie. I think Daniel liked her for a long time. Some, but not all, of these relationships were reciprocated.

 
When Daniel was 14  I received a note from his science teacher.  “Dear Mrs. Kauffman,  I just wanted you to know that Dan did an excellent job on his science project.  He received an “A” on his computer model of the earth.  (And he got engaged).”  

For high school Daniel went to Lower Merion where his interest in girls as friends and confidantes continued as well as his search for the girl that he could really care about and love.  I will leave out details about later relationships but just say how much Daniel’s relationships with girls supported and gave meaning to his life.  

Daniel was fortunate to have traveled to many interesting places. In the last few years he was particularly interested in seeing Terazin, a concentration camp, Dubrovnik, the city where many of the scenes from “Game of Thrones” were filmed and Paris where we tried to live as if we were locals. We went out nightly to the neighborhood cheese and wine shops from our 4th floor walkup apartment. The steps were uneven and a bit dangerous but that added to our sense of being true Parisians. Paris was an ongoing joke between us. Daniel had gone to France when he was 13 and again when he was 15. Following his 2nd trip to Paris he bragged to his French teacher that his family went to France every year. Laughing at his attempt to impress his teacher, we often joked about our annual trips to France.

Three years ago we went back to France. A highlight of that trip was our visit to the Pere Lachaise Cemetery. Among the many famous people buried in the cemetery are Chopin, Proust, Colette and Jim Morrison. Seeing Jim Morrison’s grave inspired Daniel to send many texts and photos. As my energy began to flag, Daniel commented that I was usually the one who was most excited about our planned visits to various cultural sites but that he was often the one who enjoyed our trips the most.

I would like to begin this with talking about how much Daniel loved his friends’ children. He was so impressed with the kindness and articulateness of Elliott and Benjamin. He came home amazed, quoting things they had said. He loved spending time with them and with Shelley’s and Geoff’s and Megan’s and Dan’s other children and was often the silly one in the group. On FaceTime he loved making silly faces. He loved what devoted and thoughtful parents they all were.

Daniel didn’t get to be a parent but I think he, also, would have been a fabulous one.  He was a loving and doting father to Webster, his rescue dog. Daniel and I had searched for a rescue dog for several years.  We had different ideas of what the perfect dog would be. I was looking for small and furry.  It was a surprise when I received a text from Daniel saying, “I think I’ve found my dog”. I was unhappy when I saw a picture of Webster, a pit-bull mix.  We arranged to meet after Daniel had signed the adoption papers at the pet store near my house.  Daniel said he was nervous taking on such a big responsibility and hadn’t really expected to find a dog that day.  When I first saw Webster (named after the street he had been found on) I  was  uncomfortable though I knew that I had no choice but to love him..  The next day I went to Daniel’s apartment to spend time with him and to get to know Webster.   I saw what Daniel had seen, that Webster was “nothing but love and fur”.  Daniel’s compassion and care for Webster was immediate and constant.  This was never more evident than when Webster had a toothache.

Daniel had so much dental surgery. Then it was time for Webster to have a tooth removed. Daniel put off the surgery, worrying about how Webster would deal with the pain. Webster was going to have to be sedated for the surgery. Daniel, thoughtfully, explained to Webster that he had been through it and it wasn’t so bad. Daniel did have tears in his eyes the morning he had to take Webster in for surgery. Webster was fine, though he did have to wear that silly neck piece for many weeks. Daniel bought a special velvet one for him thinking that the regular plastic one would irritate his skin. He placed pillows at different levels on the floor for Webster to accommodate his new neck piece. That was Daniel, as Dad to Webster. He promised never to leave him, feeling badly that Webster had been abandoned before.

Daniel was also dad to any mouse or bug that wondered into the house at Edgehill Rd. As I considered all the ways to get rid of our unwanted visitors, Daniel named them and talked about them as if we’d had a previous relationship with them.  He would tell me how cute they were and that they just wanted to live. We can’t hurt our friend “Harry” or “George” or… He reminded me of adorable mice we had read about in stories. He asked me if the mouse was an African mouse or a Norwegian mouse. He was usually able to catch it and take it outside to freedom.  We continued to disagree about this.  But I recognized and appreciated Daniel’s belief that all life was valuable.