Love Language #4 Love is shown by concrete actions, by saying, “I’ll do that for you.” or better yet, just doing it.
This should be the easiest one to write. It is perhaps the most meaningful to me. I have a picture of Daniel, twenty-one months old, standing on a chair by the sink, washing dishes. I don’t remember how that occurred but I’m sure I didn’t ask him to do it. I had to wait many years to see that inspired help again. While Daniel as a teenager and young adult was often out helping friends, I don’t remember a lot of assistance happening at home. A year or so before he died, he recalled the incident of our last family moving day. He was 16 at the time. We had a large house and were moving into a smaller one. Though we had movers there was still a lot to be done. Early in the day, Daniel left. He had a girl friend he wanted to spend time with. Daniel, many years later at the age of 40, was very apologetic. In the last few years of his life there had been an enormous transformation in his devotion to helping with endless tasks. I was enormously appreciative, though some of the tasks were unnecessary or done with a little bit too much enthusiasm. When I had an autoimmune disease that made it difficult to move, Daniel said to leave the bathroom and the hard jobs for him. In his enthusiasm for getting the tub clean, the abrasiveness that kept people from slipping had been scrubbed off. Shortly after, I bought a plastic mat for the tub. The mat, which may seem to be only for a utilitarian purpose, is a continual reminder of Daniel’s love. For many years I tutored children in our house. On a snowy day, before I left for school, Daniel would ask if I was tutoring that afternoon so that he would know whether to have the walks shoveled. When I stopped tutoring, I decided to use that room as an art room instead. My art materials had been stored in the basement and were infrequently used. I thought I would be more likely to engage with them if the space was more comfortable. Daniel helped me bring all the materials up from the basement and installed a television in the room. Then, I don’t remember why, I thought maybe the art room would be better in the basement, where it had been, and the television could go into the other bedroom. Daniel again moved everything and hooked up the tv. It must have happened once more because all of the art supplies are back in my old tutoring room. After 20 years living in our “new” house,” our kitchen cabinets had become very messy looking. I had looked at lots of kitchen cabinets over many months but hadn’t seen any that said “buy”. In previous years I had done a lot of furniture painting and thought that I would rather paint the cabinets than replace them. Daniel meticulously took off each door and labeled the hardware and then as meticulously replaced the doors after they were painted. I would get impatient and tell him we don’t need to be that careful. He knew that while I was frustrated at the moment, I would feel worse later on if the doors were crooked. As I look around my house and think that someday I will need to leave it, I think how much Daniel did to be helpful. The good news is I know that I appreciated it at the time and frequently thanked him, often saying, “You are my magical son of helpfulness.” I don’t think I connected that help at the time with feeling loved, which is odd, because now it feels so obvious.
Helpfulness is a strong love language and one so many of our friends and I received from Daniel. He helped me move 2 different times. He helped me set up a home office. He even “helped” me loosen up by taking me to a bar and buying me my very first beer. He was quick to spring to action when anything needed to be done. He took very good care of his loved ones that way. I feel blessed to have been one of his loved ones.