This is one of the most difficult blogs I’ve attempted to write and consequently I’ve been putting it off. It is difficult for a number of reasons. One reason is that this is the most personal of all the blogs I’ve attempted to write. Another reason is that my memory is not great and this blog requires many examples. There was also the question of what part of Daniel’s life to focus on. As would be expected, Daniel’s way of demonstrating love changed as he journeyed from babyhood to childhood to teenager to young adult and to older adult. While I will mention the younger Daniel I will focus on the older Daniel. Perhaps the most significant reason that this blog is difficult to write, is that Daniel was so open and loving all of his life which makes me feel really lucky to have been one of the recipients of that love, but also has me recognizing the times the I failed him when I was impatient or annoyed. Luckily this blog is not about me.
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
The first language of love is “Words of Affirmation”. When Daniel was just beginning to learn to write, probably around the age of three, he used his stationary to write me notes that I found around the house. “Mom, I love you.” written in red marker.
In the last few years, Daniel ended nearly every phone call with, “I love you.” Just before he died, I messaged him to ask what he wanted for Chanukkah. He replied, “You don’t have to get me anything, you already give me everything.” I received texts after we got together, saying, “Thanks for a really fun day” or, “Thanks for coming over.” Daniel was most complimentary about my teaching and about the political volunteering I did. Daniel loved watching me talk to prospective voters and verbalized how good I was at it. When he heard about other more prominent volunteering jobs or political offices he said I should do it, that I would be great at it. He constantly encouraged me to feel confident in areas where I had no confidence.
While I thought Daniel would be embarrassed to have me, his mother, at events with his younger friends, he invited me to both social events and to work events. He did sometimes make fun of my crazy hair and clothes. The most frequent comment, when I forced him to say something about a new outfit was, “Mom, what were you thinking?”. I always knew how much Daniel loved me and that he was proud of me. I try to keep that feeling with me. His love was huge and powerful. I am not writing much about Daniel’s relationship with other people because I have limited knowledge of that but I can still hear so many of Daniel’s compliments to his friends and relatives. To his cousin Paul, Daniel said that no matter what we discussed Paul was an expert on it. He told friends how amazing their kids were. Daniel was not cautious or reserved in the respect he showed for the talents and hard work of others. He never felt diminished by showing appreciation and love for others.
My dining room wall is covered with pictures of Daniel. In all the pictures with other people, the defining theme is Daniel’s love for those around him. It is unsettling to feel that love and to miss it so much.
I feel lucky and special to have felt Dan’s love also. He was always complimenting me, my kids, my dogs. And his compliments were sincere.